It's an interesting thing this act of self criticism. When does it start? Look at a baby - it has nothing but love for itself! There's no guilt, shame or built up anger to be found there. Ah, but then the baby grows up and slowly the thoughts of 'not being good enough' emerge. Where are you beating yourself up? Something you aren't great at? Something you 'did wrong' a long time ago?
I spent a large part of my life not believing I was good enough. There were several reasons for this, so for the sake of this piece of writing, lets stick to secondary school. I got horrible grades every time I handed in a paper in e.g. physics and I recall the agony of having to write it in the first place. On the basis of failing subjects such as physics, I firmly believed I wasn't made for school anyway. I wasn't really sure of what I was made for, but being academic sure wasn't it! Boy was I wrong.
I see now, that life was trying to tell me something. It was a redirection. I was shining my light on the wrong areas. All the subjects I practically failed in school? They weren't meant for me. But now and again, when e.g. creative writing was the task or the subject somehow revolved around music or feelings, I would ace it! And all the extracurricular activities such as drama class and musicals? Nailed it!
High school? I got through despite borderline failing most subjects, and that was because my brilliant grades in drama, music and art thankfully pulled up my average. Even at teachers college, I didn't do great. Mentally I was everywhere but taking my studies seriously. Unless the subject was music. Man, I was there for the music! And psycholoy or pedagogy - I really enjoyed learning about WHY it's so much harder for some children to learn. And don't get me started on the self-chosen projects such as technology and the affect it has on humans? Gobbled it up!
Then came my masters degree and here, ladies and gentlemen, I aced EVERYTHING! Contrary to what everyone tells you will happen at Uni. And here's why: Every single subject lit me up from the inside and out! I loved studying Performance Design. Theatre, concert, tv production and design? Yes, please! I was ALL in!
What I'm saying is, I was beating myself up for all the wrong reasons.
Eventually I went from focusing on all that was off (and trying to get better at everything I didn't do well) to working on all the areas I was naturally drawn to and good at.
Today I love studying, because I study what I love! Frankly I'm not sure I'll ever stop. Even in my 'time off' I never finish. I don't enjoy novels. I prefer books that can teach me about life, health, love, relationships, self development, the mind, depression and anxiety. I wasn't meant for excelling in physics or history. My true passion was and is people and the arts. Emotions and music.
A very wise women said these words to me recently:
'When you are given a natural talent, you're obliged to use it!'
And this brings me to my point: Redirect your focus from what doesn't or didn't work and push it towards what lights you up instead. Very often what lights you up will be connected to your natural talent. The stuff you do without questioning. The areas you are drawn to without thinking. Let go of what makes your heart weep and follow what makes it beat instead. There's a reason you are drawn to some areas of life more than others. It's where you are passionate. It's where you are meant to place your energy.
So stop putting yourself down and put yourself out there instead. Follow your heart, your dreams, your passion. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Believe. It will be great!